Chapter Eight

I wish I could say that my day today was peaceful and calm. I really wish I could. But alas, it was not to be. I began the morning by arriving at school only to find I had left my bag at home. At first I thought, well, this is a pain in the butt, but I can just borrow a piece of paper for health class, and I can just wait until I get home to eat my lunch. Then I had a sinking feeling in my spirit. Oh maaaaaaaaan!!! My dance clothes are in my bag!!!! A panick attack commenced as I calculated the ZERO that would be my grade for the day. Also, I began to figure that in driving the 30 minutes home, I would most likely lose my parking space! Not to mention, I was missing my entire weaving class. Crap crap crap crap crap crap crap!!!

I was proud of myself, however. I didnt have the usual "freak-out" that an event like this would have caused in the past. Instead I calmly got back into my van, said a little prayer that I'd get another parking spot when I returned, and raced out of the school grounds like a maniac on a mission. And of course, murphy's law dictates, that should one be in a rush, then that person will get behind EVERY OLD PERSON AND TRACTOR TRAILER GOING THIRTY-FIVE MILES PER HOUR IN A FIFTY-FIVE MILES PER HOUR ZONE!

I was definitely learning patience today.

Then along my 'leisurely' scenic drive, I had this terrifying thought that I had, indeed, had my bag in hand, but must have set it on the side walk and drove off without it! Oh Lord, I prayed, please let my bag be in the house and NOT on the walk, or if it's on the walk, please let my neighbor find it and put it on my porch. I just feared someone would steal my bag. I dont know why because no one in their right mind would take an old canvas shopping bag with a camisole top, spandex shorts, footless tights, books on weaving, a water bottle, a diet coke, a peanut butter granola bar, and a knotted jute sculpture in progress that at the moment looks like a baby's leg.

Fortuneately, my bag was in the house. My drive back to school was a lot less, um, infuriating than the ride home.

So, we began dance class with the best announcement EVER! We only have two weeks left of modern, this week and next. WOO HOO! She gave us the second best announcement EVER! "A normal modern dance class goes over a two-hour period. Since we only have forty-five minutes, we will have to start dropping off things from the beginning so we can get off of the floor and into a standing position. So, I'm so sad to announce, and I'm sure you guys are just so disappointed about this, but this will be our last day to do these abdominal contractions." Silent cheers flood the room. "But for today, we will begin on the floor, and continue through all the routines we've learned up to this point, and at the end we'll learn our first seated dance sequence."

The class commenced as usual: pelvic contractions, pleating contractions, side contractions. We sat pretzle style, did our scoopy thing. Next we laid back on our elbows did our Hawkins loopy leg thing where we brush our feet. (I'm just oh so technical with the terminology). I was grateful to realize I could finally lean on my elbow. Then we did our second position groin splitters. And lastly ended with our swastika position, where one leg is bent and toes pointed in front of our bodies, and the other leg is bent behind us. Now we were READY for the floor choreography.

"Let me begin by explaining the difference between do a contraction, and just deflating," my prof begins. "Imagine I'm a balloon, a mickey mouse balloon, why a mickey mouse balloon? I dunno. I dunno why I just said that!" She laughed to herself. We laughed too though I'm not quite sure why. "Anyway, this is where my ears would be. And not that I want to be rude or anything, but you know that little tail part, you know the part you put in your mouth to blow it up? Imagine it comes out right here." She delicately pointed to her bottom. It's unfair to make such visual imagery to me. I immediately pictured this balloon thing coming out of someone's rectum. Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! Maybe forgetting my bag and taking the zero would have been better! "Now, if I let the air out, which part of my balloon is going to deflate. Yes! That's right, this part right here!" She pointed to her butt again. "And then here," pointed to her lower abdominal region. "And my chest, and then neck, head, and finally my rediculously huge ears." We all giggled. Then we had to deflate like a balloon as well.

The deflation/inflation was the first part of the routine. So then she has us get into our swastika position again, deflate, and inflate about a few thousand times. Next we added a twist with our spines as we inflated until we were in a position that I never before though humanly possible. Our legs were still facing the stadium in front, but our chests were now perpendicular. The second stage of this combo required us to lift the back bent leg WITHOUT leaning forward. Go ahead, try it. I dare anyone to make this pose, except for dancers, for whom, I'm sure, this is a piece of cake. Almost everyone tried to lean to get that back leg off the floor. "QUIT LEANING! She screached, "Com'mon you wimps, naw, I'm just kidding, but seriously, keep your bodies straight, no leaning!!!"

NOW came the fun part. And I truly mean fun. I actually enjoyed this part of the choreography. We used the momentum of our spinal twist to swing our leg like a cool ninja/kung fu move that would trip up the enemy if used properly. We began in the same manner, inflate, twist, lift leg, swing it around and extend, making our legs point where our chests were originally pointing, dropping the front of our bodys to the floor in a push-up position. Then just as quickly we swung it back into a bent leg, making our upper bodies again point to the wall while our lower half was still pointing forward. I dont know if I described it acurately enough. But lets just say, the movement hurt me in places, well, I keep saying this, that I've never hurt before. My butt felt like jello after the class. Now it is seizing up in weird and wonderful ways, if a cramped behind can be construed as wonderful.

After we had practiced awhile, she announced, "Now most modern classes have a live drummer in them. So, I'm going to get my drum, but I must warn you, I'm not a musician. I'm not even close to being good at this, so if it starts sounding spastic you know why." She ran to her office and pulled out this small hand held drum and a padded stick that looks similar to the kind of stick drummers use for cymbals in an orchestra, or for the bass drum. She explained the order of the routine ending with "And if you get lost, just know we're gonna end with a deflation, so as long as you end at the same place with us, it doesnt matter. You can do you're own little solo, and the 'audience' will never know because it's modern!" And with that she yelled, "5-6-7-8!" and my prof started banging the drum, and neglects to tell us what poses to make when. Total chaos ensued. She started laughing and then began to call out some poses. Finally the whole class caught up with each other.

I was feeling mighty proud of myself there for awhile because I actually managed to keep up with the crowd, I even knew our leg swing was coming up next when suddenly she hollared "POW!!" and hit the drum so hard it sounded like a thunder boom. I must've jumped ten feet in the air, clamored to get back in rhythm, when she did it again. By then end I was so off, that when we finished the choreography with our trusty "transition, transition, transition" which I am too directionally challenged to do anyway, I just sat and stared at the prof, and finished with a "deflation."

Despite the humiliation, I did actual have fun today, and I did get an idea for my one and a half minute choreography I'll be doing at the end of the semester. I was walking to my health class envisioning live djembe and didgeridoo music played by my son and husband. Yeah, that's the ticket, the music can distract the audience's attention away from my crappy dancing. AND I can do just about anything to that...yeah, an "abstract" piece...

I've already informed the mister that he has some obsessing to do. He was very excited to have permission to didge considering I have protested on a rather frequent basis in the past to his many didgeridoo original compositions. So we'll see.