Chapter Three

I wandered into the locker room after my weaving class, having eaten a granola bar for lunch along the walk to the building where my torture was to commence. "Are you ok? Looking for something? In the right place? You look confused," the pretty, thin, young thing says to me. She must have been asking me questions for a while because I was too busy assessing the current situation I was in and only returned to consciousness with the last question. I was vaguely aware that someone was talking to me up to that point, but for some reason couldn't answer.

"Yeah, I'm ok...I suppose," I answered shyly. "Intro to dance?"

"yeah," she answers.

"Man, I'm so not feeling comfortable about this," I remarked.

"Yeah, I know, and these outfits. I'm not looking forward to wearing this rediculous outfit."

Well, I thought to myself, at least you're thin enough and have a flat stomach, I dont know what you're complaining about.

I managed to muster up the self-confidence needed to put on my "proper attire," locked my things in a locker, and wandered up the back, dusty and dank stairs to the old gymnasium where we were having class. I looked around, studying everyone's faces, pulled my attendance card from the file box, and found a seat in the middle of the floor. Most of us were feeling very awkward and uncomfortable in our lovely garb. The professor walked in with her wild curly hair, huge hoop earrings and glasses propped on the tip of her nose, wearing a bright pink leotard under a black cover-up of some kind. She's from new york and sounds like it. Her shrill voice echoed throughout the building.

"Mahdin (modern) dance is what we'll be studying for the next five weeks. There's no way to really describe Mahdin becawze there's so many different techniques within the term mahdin...bwah bwah bwah bwah bwah bwah..." I tried to follow, but found it impossible. Something about two techniques in particular we'll be learning invented by two dancers who were married but divorced and then the guy said he knew what the girl was missing in her invented technique (sounds just like a man) and came up with his own stuff...yadda yadda yadda. Ok, I did find it mildly interesting, but I just wanted to get started. The forty-five minutes were dragging along badly enough.

"Ok, now, Lay on the floor," she said "Close your eyes and relax your entire body. Place your arms slightly out to the side. Allow your palms to face upward. Now contract your feet, now your calves and knees, now your quads and hamstrings, and your glutes. Now your abs and your chest and arms and fists and neck and head. Hoooooooooooooollldd it" Interesting warm-up, I thought to myself. "Ok, now pretend you're a bag of sand and I'm gashing huge holes in you...gash gash gash! Just SLITTING HUGE HOLES!" Eeeeks! "Now, just let that sand pour out of your body from your toes up to your head and just relax slowly, remembering to breathe."

That was just the beginning. We did that exercise several times letting the "sand" out from top to bottom, and the again from bottom to top. Finally, warm-up was over and it was time to DANCE! Or not.

The prof began to explain three contractions in the abdominal region. "First we lay on the floor." Oh good, I really didnt want to stand up today. "Then push the small of the back into the floor. push it! push it! Common! All the way down! You with your sway backs, you gotta do this! It's gonna be harder but you can do it!" Contraction one. "Next, move from the first contraction and then lift the arms, palms up to a diagonal angle, and tilt the head back until you're looking upside down." Gooooood. I was so hoping to let the blood rush to my head while squeezing my guts out with my abdominal muscles. "Third contraction: move from the second contraction position to the right side lifting the shoulder blades off of the floor, head must still be tilted back," which by the way, is nearly impossible since every exercise class in the world has you lift your head when you do an oblique crunch. This is not an oblique crunch. That would be easy compared to this. The body just wants to lift that head and tuck that chin. It's not comfortable to keep it nearly upside down. "Now lift the head, square the shoulders and slowly lower back to the floor. Now if you did about eight of these a day, you'd have incredibly flat abs." No kidding! Well, I've always needed to work on this problem area, so I guess I shouldnt complain...

My stomach hurts. I'm so glad I get to go back tomorrow.